An important public service announcement to the citizens of Asheville about the strange, potentially lethal creatures migrating to our land
Above: peeling ‘wayfinding’ sign for tourists heading downtown, 2010. Photo © Jason Sandford. Used with permission.
Dear citizens of Asheville,
Due to the synergistic factors of anthropogenic climate change and Good Morning America, our community faces an increased likelihood of tourist encounters this year. For the safety of all who call these mountains home, we must practice vigilance in controlling for and avoiding human-tourist interactions, which can prove deadly. It is our responsibility to do what is best for the safety of both Ashevillians and tourists alike.
Thanks to the glowing recommendation of a popular American morning talk show, the next few seasons will be rife with what are known as wild-, or non-habituated tourists. When dealing with these kind of tourists, precaution is of the utmost importance. They are not used to Asheville, and a disciplined approach at this stage guards against the chance that the tourists will habituate to locals. If you are in an open area, the use of binoculars to scan the horizon for wild tourists is strongly encouraged; startling or interacting with wild tourists can result in violence, and over time will desensitize tourists to the perceived threat of locals. Spotting them at a distance allows for a safe, quiet getaway, minimizing the chance that the tourist will spot you. If the area is congested with trees or buildings, make noise to alert any nearby tourists to your presence; jangling keys, loud shouting, fog horns, and bongos will all help scatter wild tourists.
Should the tourist spot you at a distance, do not run or act like food. Though they often totter in seemingly aimless fashion down the middle of crowded city streets, tourists can run at speeds of 40 miles per hour, and are adept at climbing trees. Most people survive their tourist interactions unscathed, but we cannot forget that these visitors are built to kill and are widely considered to be exceptionally clever. Avoid being noticed. If a tourist wants badly enough to eat or ask you a painfully stupid question, they probably will. Playing dead is sometimes advised.
One particularly dangerous tourist encounter is that of happening upon a tourist and their young. If her spawn are infantile, she may stay to defend their location; older cubs are likely to participate with mom in a bluff charge, which is (usually) exactly what it sounds like. It is urgent to avoid tourists with their young at all costs. The parental instincts often emerge at a cost to the tourist’s usually bashful demeanor, leaving them irritable, hungry, and hostile to locals.
Thankfully, the most important step in tourist interaction is what you can do to reduce the likelihood of encountering them in the first place. Tourists are very attracted to food, which means that trash should be secured indoors and not set out on the curb the night before pick-up. Remove bird feeders from the property, as those too are known to attract tourists. Do not feed them or alert them to your restaurant connections.
Watch your property for signs of tourist activity, such as strange smells or scat (feces). Some tourists are known to scent mark trees with special glands near their anus; missing bark might indicate that a tourist is sharing your space and is likely habituated to your presence. Habituated tourists are the most lethal, as they do not fear locals and, as a consequence, make foolish decisions about approaching buskers and entering beloved local establishments. A habituated tourist is unable to return to their wild state. In some places, they are painstakingly relocated; in others, they are humanely euthanized.
If you suspect tourists in your community, talk to your neighbors. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Together, we can keep our community safe.
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Leigh Cowart is a freelance journalist and writer covering science, sports, and sex. Her work has appeared in The Independent, Hazlitt, Vice, The Daily Beast, Buzzfeed News, the Verge, SB Nation and Deadspin, among others. She resides in Asheville.
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